Why We Don't Talk about Loss

In my previous article about “Four Keys to Overcome Loss”, I spoke about how in the Quran, God tells us “By time, indeed man is in a state of loss. Except those who believe, and do good and enjoin each other on the truth, and enjoin each other to be patient” (Surat Al-Asr).

And we are also told “We will certainly test you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and lives and fruits (earnings); but give glad tidings to the persevering and patient” (2:155).

These verses explain to us that human beings are naturally going to experience some sort of loss throughout the course of life – some loss of heath, some loss of wealth, some loss of loved ones, some loss of loved ‘things’ – whether they be a career or a dream or in some extreme cases safety and freedom.

Furthermore, getting older is a way of loss of time and loss of youth. There may be loss of a dream – something you really wanted to do for a while and for whatever reasons it didn’t work out. There may be a loss of identity where there’s some transitioning into a new role – perhaps the role of a spouse, parent, caregiver for one or both of your parents, or relative or whomever God has placed in your trust and suddenly you find you’re not who you used to be and you can’t do the things you used to do. Maybe there’s been a change in the freedom or opportunities – maybe you lived somewhere where you had certain opportunities and now you don’t.

There may be something that doesn’t allow you to be who you were or who you thought you were or who you thought you wanted to be and again there needs to be management of and coming to terms with that – so for example you may not be able to do “a, b, or c” like you used to do when you were younger, or single, or a student, or married with no children, or married with children, etc. We think as time goes on we can continue to do the things we used to do not realizing as the years go on we have increasing responsibilities and also increasing opportunities to do things we hadn’t imagined, when they can be just as or even more important. That’s why it’s important to come to terms with these sorts of losses, challenges, transitions because we don’t want to get ‘stuck’ in this frame of mind that I have to be in this particular role or I am not fulfilled, or useful, or smart, or ________ (you can fill in the blank according to your situation).

Arguably, if these losses are not managed properly, they can amount to an ultimate loss of a strong connection with God, happiness in an after-life, and peace and contentment in this life.

So the question is, how can we overcome these losses that are inevitable? How can we carry on with our lives to fulfill our ultimate purpose and maintain a strong connection with Allah? How can we heal those wounds so we can live life to the fullest and step up to who we really could be and what we really could do to make a positive difference in the world?

We know that we are told “But perhaps you hate something which is good for you and you may love something which is bad for you and Allah knows and you know not” (Quran 2:216). If God, in His Infinite mercy has taken away a blessing for some time, it does not mean that you will not be given that blessing back when it’s the right time and it will be even more beautiful and whole when you have it again.

If you experienced some loss of health for some time, perhaps it was a source of purification for you and opportunity to take the time to reflect and ponder and develop the humility that comes when our bodies feel weak and frail and the patience needed to recover and feel well again.

If you experienced some loss in relationships for some time, perhaps it was an opportunity for you to identify areas of improvement in your character as well as decipher who are the people in your life that really matter and how you can bring more joy and serenity to those relationships.

If you experienced some loss in your career or finances or your sense of contribution or any goals for some time, perhaps God was preparing you all along, with all of those disappointments and ‘failures’ serving as lessons to do something greater one day that would have a profound impact beyond your greatest imagination.

And if you experienced some loss of loved ones, we know that as Muslims, in sha Allah, we hope to meet them in an after-life where there is no sickness or sadness – only health, happiness, and eternal bliss.

If we go back to the keys mentioned in Surat Al-Asr to overcome loss, which I explained in a previous video on the “Four Keys to Overcoming Loss”, they were

1) Belief in Allah
2) Doing Good
3) Enjoining each other to truth
4) Enjoining each other to patience

It’s important to remember that those last two keys involve supporting one another and reaching out for one another. Many people don’t speak about their losses and some don’t even want to feel loss because naturally feeling loss entails feeling sorrow, sadness, guilt, or shame. It’s important to remember though that just because you don’t talk about it and don’t want to feel it doesn’t mean it’s not there and that it’s not normal. In fact, if it’s not dealt with and managed properly, it can affect the rest of your life now or even later.

Many people also don’t speak about their losses because they are afraid of showing their vulnerabilities – they do not want to seem weak or not in control. And this can stem from having the tendency to be a perfectionist and want things to appear like they’re perfect when we know perfection only belongs to Allah and that in reality, nobody is ‘perfect’ or has a ‘perfect life’. We are told about our weak nature in the Quran and how Allah wishes to help us through those weaknesses: “Allah would make the burden light for you, for the human being was created weak” (Surat Al-Nisa: 28).

Many people also don’t speak about their losses because it may not be comfortable for others – as a society once again we value strength, happiness, and success as opposed to vulnerability, contentment (even when things are not ‘happy’) and ‘failure’ that can serve as valuable life lessons and a stepping stone to greater success in the future. Even in school, we are not taught how to manage our emotions – even though emotional intelligence is becoming more and more one of the top skills valued in the professional world. As a result of this stigma, people end up suppressing any negative feelings, therefore suffering in silence, unable or unwilling to reach out for support.

The important thing to remember is after of course reaching out to The Ultimate One Who can support you through anything and everything, strengthen you through any weakness, and heal you from any pain, to reach out to those who will understand you, have compassion, and be patient with you in your time of weakness and growth as you transform through learning from your losses. And to also understand that there are professionals who can provide help and should be sought when needed just like physicians are sought for physical conditions. It’s important to remember though that it can be more damaging to open up about your losses to someone who will be-little your struggle and simply brush it off by asking you to ‘get over it’, so choose carefully whom you choose to share your loss with.

We have beautiful examples from Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) who would speak about his late wife Khadijah years after her death and remember how she supported him when nobody else did.

Therefore, when you open up and try to work through loss in a healthy way with the appropriate resources and people, the point is not to make it worse or make the wounds deeper – it’s actually to try to heal them, make sense of them, and learn from them so that you can move on with more purpose and passion and achieve more contentment and success in sha Allah.